Expansive.

Complex.

Unfathomable.

And I feel miniscule.

From what my parents tell me, I was an inquisitive child.  I was always asking “why”.  At some point, I stopped asking questions.  I ignored the unknown or tried to contain it into ill-fitting boxes.  I began to accept the easy answers.  I didn’t even question them.  My world felt safe and contained.  But life happened and it became increasingly challenging to ignore the utter chaos.  My easy answers were demolished.  I could only ignore that reality for so long before I had to give up on having all my questions answered.

Strangely, giving up on the easy answers has been one of the best moves in my life.  I think when I looked for the easy answers, I ended up trusting the answer more than God.  I wanted to feel in control, rather than trusting that God is lovingly and capably holding the world.  At the same time, there is much that I see, which deeply saddens, and even horrifies me.  Now, I must ask why.

One of the times when my easy answers were demolished was on 9-11.  I had lived such a peaceful, uneventful life in the U.S., and had never experienced an attack on our soil.  That night, I couldn’t sleep.  I remember lying there awake, deafened by the quiet of the night sky, no longer full of airplanes and helicopters.  I felt afraid and exposed, as if my safe world was crumbling around me.  I could not answer why.  Not in a way that would sufficiently answer the question.  I find myself repeatedly sitting with the question of why.

Why is there war?

Why is there injustice?

Why has my life turned out this way?

Last night, I was again reminded that I do not have an easy answer, specifically in regards to my singleness.  Yet, I so badly want to be able to explain or comprehend it.  I want to know why.  I want to know why right now.  I believe this lie that understanding my situation will lead to peace.  But knowledge alone will never provide that for me.  It is hard for me to trust God in these moments.  I believe he welcomes my questions and I had questions to ask last night.  I also know that his answers do not come in my timing.  So, I entered into the tension of unanswered questions.  As the tears came to my eyes, I remembered a song by Sufjan Stevens, “Oh God, Where Are You Now?”  I listened to it, and found that this song was my prayer for the moment.  I slumped on the ground, crying, and occasionally joining in singing:

Oh God, hold me now

Oh Lord, hold me now

There’s no other man who could raise the dead

So do what you can to anoint my head

Oh God, where are you now?

Oh Lord, say somehow

The devil is hard on my face again

The world is a hundred to one again

Would the righteous still remain?

Would my body stay the same?

Oh God, hold me now

Oh God, touch me now

There’s no other man who could save the dead

There’s no other God to place our head

Would the righteous still remain?

Would my body stay the same?

There’s no other man who could raise the dead

So do what you can to anoint my head

Oh God, hold me now

Oh Lord, touch me now