Last Thursday I hit my wall. You know. The Wall. The wall you hit when you just can’t keep going on at your current pace. The wall that unleashes all your emotions, tears, and exhaustion like an avalanche. Marathon runners talk about this wall they hit towards the end of a race. Then their legs give out and they do a crazy dance of delirium as they collapse. I hate running, so I don’t fully get this metaphor, but I do know the wall that you hit when life feels crazy. I hit the wall while on the phone with my friend. I was trying to listen and be present with what she was saying. Then she asked what I thought and I stopped. I had no idea what I thought. All I knew was that I felt tired, frustrated, guilty for not tracking with my friend, and on the verge of tears. Hello wall.
I’m in the midst of a busy season at work. And while it feels as though everything else in my life has been put on hold, I realize how much my life refuses to cooperate. I can try to be streamlined, efficient, and on-task (blech, I hate these words). Yet, that can only last for so long before I hit the wall.
I cried a lot that day. And since I don’t know how to cry daintily, it was a messy cry (aren’t they all). Let me tell you, that is not a fun time to have your Kleenex run out. TP suffices, but it just doesn’t have that soft, cushiony feeling on your nose. I cried with my friend. I cried by myself. I just cried. I stopped eventually and watched some episodes of 30 Rock (season 7 just arrived on Netflix instant), staying in bed the rest of the night. Plus, my arm hurt from getting a flu shot that day, so there was no chance I was recovering from all of that (mostly from aforementioned wall).
A couple of days later I returned to the tears from Thursday and found myself…grateful. Strange, huh? I was grateful because this avalanche of emotions didn’t come out of nothing. They may have been amplified, but they came from true feelings in my heart. I’m not great at acknowledging what I feel in the moment. So, my emotions can get back logged at times. OK, a lot of the time. But I don’t go as long as I used to without acknowledging where I am. I wasn’t aware of how tired and frustrated I was feeling about life. It took this wall to awaken me back to what was truly going on inside of me. These feelings have brought me to a place of seeking with God.
What is my next step?
Do I continue on as is or does something need to shift?
Why is it so hard for me to trust you when I’ve hit my wall?
And the big one of late: How long oh Lord?
These questions have been on my mind lately and I seem to keep coming back to them. I don’t have any answers, but I think these questions tie into what I feel. These questions are part of my emotional response, my prayer to God. I can try to ignore what I feel, but when I allow my feelings a place at the table, I can sit in God’s lap, look up into his eyes, and ask.