I’m in the midst of a great story, but in this moment it does not feel so great.
This sums up my life pretty well right now. A few months ago I had a sense that changes were on their way. I felt both excited and nervous as I anticipated their arrival. May 1 ushered in the first wave of changes. The change both surprised me and didn’t surprise me. I thought I would have had more time before having to make a choice, but all of a sudden an answer was required, and quickly. So, I made the first choice that has set me off onto a definite path. I am not sure where that path leads.
I also have been in the midst of changing out my car situation. I forgot about all the details that are required to make car purchases and sales possible. I also forgot how easily those details can be frustrated and inter-connected. My health has not been great. I’ve been to the doctor’s for various issues multiple times over the last month, even as much as 2-3 appointments a week. I think this has been the part that has drained me the most. I wonder if all these changes wouldn’t be so burdensome if I were feeling better physically.
I feel like I am in a tornado these days, swept up into something larger than myself. I am scared and excited. I am not sure where I will land. Some days I can trust God and see that He is moving me into something. Other days, the stress of all the changes overwhelm me.
I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed. I am ready to land.
Some small and quiet part of my soul knows that this change is good. It knows that God is working. It believes that I am not alone in this. The louder part of my soul speaks doubt. It distrusts everything. It feels abandoned. Yet, I notice a slight shift in this month. The louder, doubting part of me is beginning to get quieter. The small, true voice is emerging, and resonating deeply within.
I think if I were going through these changes last year I would have been petrified and curled in fetal position on the floor. Today, I am still scared, but trembling forward, gaining strength with each step onward.