Finally
Jessica Lacy Driscoll
(Note: if you missed the introduction to this series, be sure to read it first.)
I wondered for years if there was a place for me to be myself fully with a man. I’m energetic and sharp. I see things below the surface and have the courage, and sometimes just the pure insensitivity, to speak them out. I don’t settle. Well, not for long. If I can help it, I don’t let people I love settle for too long either. Standing right next to this audacity is my sensitivity. I feel deeply and am proud that after years of my counselor saying, “Tell me what you’re feeling, not what you’re thinking” I can actually feel! I cry and I don’t feel ashamed. So I am this fire of strength, beauty, fragility, unpredictability, dependence, insecurity, and brilliance with the capacity to warm and burn another human.
It has been my dream for years that all of this in me could be present with a man. That both of us would bare our full selves to one another. Where nothing would be off limits to encourage or challenge. I think this is a beautiful vision. If this was actually possible, our partnership would form one another for the good of each other and the world. We would have a sense of being deeply loved. We would have the courage to take risks, like finally launch the program I developed and stop doing work that doesn’t use my gifts. People would observe our relationship and receive hope and inspiration for what theirs could be.
Over eight years as I dated eHarmony guy, after Coffee Meets Bagel guy, after “Can I set you up with my friend?” guy, (repeat that cycle like 10 more times). I despaired that I’d never have a family where everyone was seen, celebrated, confronted, nurtured and dancing toward their destinies. I had my issues, for sure, and it seemed like most men I dated were so unwilling to acknowledge theirs. Jewel has a song lyric, “Show me a man who knows his own heart, to him I shall belong.” Yes! Yes, Jewel! A man who knows the radiance of his own heart and the grace of Christ in it’s darkness. I knew this kind of man would have the space for me to reside near him. This man would listen well to our friends and advise them well. This man would own the way he contributes to breakdowns with people and situations instead of blaming and hiding. This man would increase love in his spheres of influence. Show me this man and I was in!
Then I saw him. I didn’t know it right away because he was in the most unlikely place with unlikely statistics. He was much older, divorced, had two teenage kids, wasn’t too interested in Jesus and was drinking at the bar. Why did I even pause for him? He was a middle school teacher, so I figured he must be adventurous and patient. He also just looked kind. With my community and my God holding me, over the next few months I practiced being myself like I never had before. I told him how important my faith was to me and invited him to be explore it for himself. At several points I led him in prayer, discussion and contemplation. I challenged him to connect more with his daughter. He actually thanked me for these things. On multiple occasions he would say, “Thank you for seeing what I don’t. I’m counting on your insights even when they’re different than mine.” Huh??? You’re not mad at me for “not understanding” you. You don’t think I’m “too intense.” I’m actually making you a “better man”? This was so contrary to my previous experiences. His responses were shocking in the best way.
He was humble and teachable, but not a pansy pushover. He let me be strong and weak. I called him crying when my uncle died and he held me. When I discovered I might not want to be an entrepreneur after three years of saying I was one, he was not thrown off. He was confident that I would find my way. He was patient with me as I vacillated from excitement to fear about our future together. We didn’t know if we were right for each other forever, but we knew something really right was happening.
Finally, I could be myself with a man without him leaving me. My weakness didn’t deter him and my strength was a gift. He wasn’t intimidated by the areas where I knew more than him. He invited me to share my wisdom and shape him and he was simultaneously shaping me.
Last July, we walked out to the sand in Seal Beach at Sunset to have a small, fairly impromptu wedding ceremony with our dearest friends. Just recently I helped him see that he was triggered by his ex-wife. He was irritated with me before he was thankful. We are working together to communicate better with her for us and the kids. He is growing because of our partnership. This week I told him I feel guilty that I don’t contribute financially what he does. He said we can evaluate that in August but for now we have enough. He loves watching me love people by driving friends to the airport, leading prayer groups, managing our finances, etc. I am growing because of our partnership. Finally,my strength is welcome and supported and is bringing wholeness to us, our family and our communities.
Bio: More than anything else, I am a woman who is committed to receiving and giving love. My life is a practice of this which has taken many forms over the years- pastoring, mentoring, teaching, learning, praying, suffering, lots of getting real about my BS, waitressing, traveling, grieving, failing, speaking, life coaching, and resting. At this time in my life, I practice this through leading the prayer ministry at my church, loving my new husband and teenage step kids, walking near my dear friend through her greatest loss, and coaching my clients to love their lives. I love my life and have worked hard to love it. I think this is available to everyone who is bold enough and trusting enough to go for it. www.jessica-lacy.com
Song Choice: Phoenix Rising by Roseport
Why: The chorus goes, “Like a Phoenix, I keep rising. I’m on fire.” It draws my strength out and ignites the part in me that knows I can never quit. I will never quit. No matter what my past has given me or my future throws at me, I can get up and keep going again and again to have a beautiful life.
Check out Jessica’s song choice and more on the Stronger playlist on Spotify.
Catch up on all of the Stronger posts:
When We Roar by Amanda Macadam