I’ve entered an interesting rhythm as I have been training for my Camino. On one day, I am excited and thrilled at the thought of my pilgrimage. On the other days, I am pure fear. I worry about whether or not I can walk the entire 500 plus miles. I wonder if health issues will stop me from going. Most recently, I gave notice at work and that evening, while watching a lovely outdoor production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” I couldn’t shake the panic from just quitting my job. With each milestone that brings the Camino one step closer, I expect to be overjoyed, but my first reaction tends to be fear.

What the F- am I doing?

I began to realize that this is my prayer right now. It’s not glamorous, eloquent, or devout. But it’s honest. So often we’re concerned about how our prayer sounds, rather than letting it be the honest outpouring of our hearts. This place of fear is often where my heart is as I prepare for the Camino.

I have gone on a summer mission trip, moved overseas to intern for a church, and left a full-time job to go back to school for a Master’s in Spiritual Formation and Soul Care. I realize that as much as I see myself as this responsible, no non-sense person, I also have risked and said yes to some seemingly crazy paths. Each time, I felt the fear of the unknown.

Somehow, this walk feels like a wholly different level of craziness. I don’t know if it’s the fact that it is new to be, but I also suspect that the physical nature of it makes the Camino feel more intimidating to me.

Still, I don’t know what the f- I am doing.

Help!

The other night I was walking with my night hiking group. It ended up being more intense than I anticipated and I found myself ascending the aptly named “Cardiac Arrest trail.” That’s a confidence building name, isn’t it? I had walked this trail before, but it was without my backpack, and even then, it was a challenge. I decided to take a slow and steady pace and began to fall towards the back of the group. It was humid that evening and my energy was low. I looked ahead and saw that the trail’s incline seemed never ending. And I began to doubt that I could finish: I can’t do this. Help!

In that moment, I felt a nudge from God to stop looking so far ahead and just focus on the next step. One step turned to two, to three, and many more. Halfway up the trail I had a nice boost of endorphins and practically galloped up the path. A lovely view of Los Angeles was there to greet me at the top. I often forget what happens when you stop to ask for help. I sense this will be a vital ability for me on the Camino.

Thank you Jesus

I have started to train with my backpack and go for longer walks (9+ miles). When I started making plans for my Camino earlier this year, I was unsure if I could carry my backpack (PS – her name is Tina Fey). I had surgery for scoliosis when I was 14 and always have to be mindful of caring for my back. I told myself that I would try to carry my bag, but would also be willing to send it ahead each day if necessary. I was scared about how my back would do with the pack and avoided training with it for some time. Finally, I mustered up the courage and took my bag on one of my night hikes. It slowed me down, but I made it. There even was another couple who are training for some overnight hikes, with their own backpacks. It was nice to feel that I wasn’t alone. The big test though was taking my bag on a longer walk. It was going well, but as I got close to mile 8, my body felt tired and I just wanted to give up. I rested a moment, stretched my hips (where all of my tension seems to fall), and put on some upbeat music. I got a second wind, went further than I planned, and even began to dance to the music – which must be hilarious for the drivers as they pass me on the street. I made it home, having passed 9 miles, and collapsed on the floor, eventually beginning to stretch out. I was surprised and grateful that I made it. The honest words that tumbled from my heart: Thank you Jesus.

These aren’t the prayers that I expected to accompany me on my training and on the Camino, but they express the truth of my heart right now. So be it.